It was a cold Saturday night in winter when I first saw her.
She was sitting on a park bench, with her tanned legs crossed and her blonde hair glistening in the moonlight. Around her tiny slender waist were Trent's fingers. They were enlocked in a passionate embrace, her head lightly on Trent's shoulders with her eyes slightly closed and a look of contentment on her face. Trent was whispering something in her ear which made them both giggle.
For heaven's sake, I thought.. who did they think they were showing their sickly sweet affection to the world as if people wanted to see? As if they had to do it, at that very moment, at that very place, when I happened to be walking by. If they hadn't have, none of this would've happened.
As I walked home that night, all I could think about was the look of contentment on her face. It haunted my dreams that night and interrupted my thoughts. I knew. All I could think about was that I knew. I wish I didn't, but I did. I hoped that it was all just a dream - a bad dream, one where I'd wake up sweating furiously and then lay back and sigh to myself "Oh, it was just a dream" But it wasn't. This was real, and this was happening.
It must have been painted on my face as on Monday at school, Trent approached me with a inquisitive look on his face, as if trying to study me. He looked at me with one eyebrow raised, obviously trying to read my thoughts. Usually on Mondays, I'd run up to him and throw my arms around his neck, and we'd just stay like that for a moment for what seemed like an eternity, too young and certain of ourselves to care about people glancing at us. I'd stroke his messy brown hair playfully and he'd chuckle as if I had said the funniest thing in the world. It was like that every week, and oh, how ridiculous we must have looked, but alas we did so every week as if it were unofficially scheduled or something.
But not this Monday, and I was happy that Trent had noticed. I half-expected him to blurt everything out right there and then, confess everything and apologize and smile that smile of his and everything would be okay. But he didn't and neither did I.
"How was your weekend?" He asked, after staring at me for the longest time.
I didn't look up at him. I peered at the cold concrete ground and my eyes stayed fixed there for the entire conversation, hoping he would somehow notice the difference in atmosphere between us, but he didn't.
"Fine, yours?" I said sharply, still looking anywhere except at him.
"Yeah, pretty boring actually. didn't do anything"
Oh yes you did, I thought angrily. He must have noticed my sudden angry expression as he lifted a hand and placed it on my shoulder.
"You okay, princess?"
I wanted to tell him I knew, right at that moment, but I held my tongue thinking that if everything went as I hoped it would, there'd be some rational explanation about it, and it'd all be forgotten within the week. But of course it wasn't forgotten and as I watched him walk away a few moments later with a very puzzled expression on his face due to my silence, all I could think about was that very image of him and the blonde. I looked at myself in the window glass of the Technology classroom, peering at my reflection. I wasn't blonde. My hair was a deep red colour, auburn as I liked to call it, to make it sound interesting. To be truthful, I hated the way I looked. I was tall, lanky and pale. Before Trent came along, I was very self-conscious. When he came along, I saw him like I saw any other guy - unattainable. At first he was, when he first came to the school he made such a deep impact on everyone. "Have you seen the new guy?" Girls whispered to each other, smiling at him and batting their eyelashes at him pathetically. He was the pure essence of perfect, the guys wanted to be like him, and the girls wanted him to like them. Guys like him usually join the selected popular group, a group of conformists who dressed the same, listened to the same music, and didn't show any evidence of being different or unique (or else they'd be thrown out and dubbed a 'weirdo')
But he didn't conform, and that's what made him different. The impact he made on the school quickly faded away, and that's how I befriended him. He used to wander around the school looking lost with a dazed look on his face, as if he was always deep in thought. He had a certain mystery about him, which made him even more interesting. He was extremely good-looking, but he didn't know it as his hair was always messed up and he wore daggy clothes that looked slept in. He was quiet and reserved, the type who sits in the corner and who everyone forgets is there, and only speak to if they want answers to questions he didn't know himself. He was wrongly stereotyped as a geek, but he wasn't. In fact, he unlike us could fit in if he wanted, but his lack of desire to do so set him apart from everyone else.
So it was inevitable that I didn't want to lose him, not for anything in the world. I saw him as a superior being, and while we were on the same level, I saw him as the perfect person and the person I wanted to be.
Nostalgia was something I felt most often, and I blinked away tears while thinking about the past and Trent. He seemed in the past now, far away.. yet too near to forget.
I picked up a rock on the ground, and glared at my reflection. Who was I fooling? Certainly not him, and certainty not myself. Her face came into my mind once again, and the more I thought about it the tighter my fingers gripped around the rock. I thought about Trent and her.. I wonder if she knew about me. I wonder if Trent had just forgotten about me, and ignored the fact of my existence in his life, just like everyone else does.
I didn't realize what I had done until I saw the hole in the glass, and the shattered shards of glass on the ground. My sweaty hand was still intact where the rock had been. I stepped back from the window hearing the crackling of the glass from beneath my feet. A whole bunch of children were looking at me and when I dared to stare back they ran off quickly not turning back. I sighed to myself and put a foot forward to walk away, but then stopped. Muffled voices. Muffled familiar voices. I whirled around and peered around the corner of the building. There I saw... her. She had her back turned, but from the glisten of her blonde hair, I knew it was her. Then I saw Trent. He had a massive grin on his face and was chatting happily with her. I stopped to listen to what they were saying.
"You got rid of her yet?" the Blonde asked, running her fingers through Trent's hair.
"Nah" he replied, the smile leaving his face. "I wish you wouldn't mention her, any thought of her takes away any trace of happiness with you."
She frowned "Well she's stupid to think she could ever have a chance with a guy."
"True" Trent said, chucking and putting his arms around her waist.
"Well we've got each other now, and I love you and you love me, and no ugly loser stalker can take that away from us, Trenty-babe" she said, leaning closer to Trent just so they were almost touching.
Tears welled up in my eyes, and spilled down my cheeks. I used my hand to wipe them away, and then noticed a sparkling on the ground. I don't know what made me reach for the shard of glass on the ground, but I was too engulfed in my own anger and hurt to even stop and ponder what it was I was doing. I walked towards them with the shard of glass in my hand, with them both glaring at me with their eyes widened. They were suprised to see me, and Trent opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a faint quiet gasp. The last thing I remember was the look on her face, a look of absolute horror with tears running down from her sapphire-blue eyes staining her tanned cheeks. She looked so sad, and for the longest time afterwards I wondered why. There was silence, not a word was said, and the last thing I heard was the shard of glass fall to the ground.
After I had walked away, I messily scribbled a note to Trent with my hands shaking, and tears falling on the piece of paper smudging the ink. I left the note in his locker. It says :
"And with her place a dove, and remember this, I did it for love."